Living in the Dream a short story

Living in the Dream

by Michael Hillerman

The room in front of me is filled with paper files from the floor to the ceiling covering the wall facing me as well as the walls to the right and left of me.    I am standing on a stepladder about half way up the wall looking at some files and believe that they are located in the wrong area and that they should be moved to the top row of the file system next to the ceiling. The file room was designed like a file cabinet but with a view of the files from the side not the top. You can see the edges of the paper sheet contents enclosed by file folder hangers. Most of the files in this room are large with 100 or more sheets in each file. I attempt to move the files of interest from the middle row to the top row but cannot find adequate space on that row. I stand looking at the top row for some time trying to find a way to relocate the files. The file room in general appears to be over filled leaving no additional room for new files. I hear a phone ringing behind me and start to turn around and at that moment wake up from my sleep realizing that I am in a dream and can hear the alarm clock ringing. As I lay there in my bed with a clear image of the file room in my mind I have a strong feeling of frustration and an inability to do what I must. Getting out of bed is not easy as the images and feelings from my dream linger into the reality of my day. I hobble through my house to the kitchen and start to boil some water for a cup of coffee. As usual, I also prepare a cup for my prescribed Honzo tea, a special formula of Japanese herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist.

It is one of those unusually stressful days where nothing is going well and my mind is filled with competing conflicts and flashing mental images. I have been trying for days to clear my thoughts without any success. I tried going to the gym to work out on a daily basis and meditating when I could. None of this helped the endless voices going on in my mind. My nights are even worse with not sleeping and endless turning and tossing until morning. I had numerous dreams during my brief sleep periods which persisted in strengthening my feelings of insecurity. My overall mental state of discomfort and anxiety has been building over the last month or two.

After drinking my coffee and tea the day started when I called my boss telling him that I was sick and would not be coming in for the day. I felt incapable of holding up my usual corporate mask of creativity, confidence and self empowered direction. My job at IRS Records was especially demanding at this time with a new president and upper staff doing an overall reorganization. The reorganization in process was challenging my music research director’s position and my general strength of being independent and self directed. My relationship with the president Robert Bass was new and it was unclear to me how he felt about my past performance and position in his plan or vision of the future. Today was not the day to call in sick with key meetings scheduled.

At about 12:30 last night my ex-wife Aurora called with some news about our 16 year old daughter Eva. Aurora very seldom called and never at this late hour giving the alarm of bad news. My relationship with Eva was quite enjoyable with years of every-other weekend stays and a Wednesday afternoon pick up after school and stay for the night. I love Eva very much and do my best to help her and to be a positive example for her to follow. At about the age of 12 Eva started to change or evolve and became more interested in her peers. She cancelled many planed week ends and eventually stopped the week end stays all together. Aurora and Eva had moved to South Pasadena for better public schools and I to Woodland Hills for a new job location making the Wednesday night visits with Eva near impossible. I really miss Eva and our special times and am somewhat angry about the current situation. I feel like Aurora is somehow involved in Eva’s decisions not to see me and is not supporting my relationship with her. I also noticed that Eva was not clear on why she would cancel the week-end trips as she became more and more distant. At this point in time I do not know what Eva is doing with her life or who her friends are.

Aurora’s late night call was unexpected as she explained to me that Eva is about three months pregnant and that they have decided to keep the baby. Eva is not interested is getting married to the father and plans to raise the child with Aurora’s help. It really shocked me as I still think of Eva as a child and can not fathom her as a pregnant woman. How can this beautiful innocent young girl be pregnant? I feel completely left out of the situation and betrayed by both Eva and Aurora. I am so angry about the betrayal and at the same time feel responsible for Eva’s situation. I am disappointed with my fathering of Eva and think of all the situations that I could have done better. I should have been more involved with Eva or even better should have taken Eva away from Aurora’s questionable influence. I feel very angry with myself.

It was just afternoon and I had spent the morning in bed after a long sleepless night. I had called in sick but new that I should be at the office attending the reorganization meetings.   My mind is filled with voices arguing with each other about the complicated situation that I am in. I really feel helpless and that I am not empowered to get myself out of the situation. Robert the new president will make his decision about my future and Eva and Aurora have already made theirs. My emotions are escalating to heights that I have never felt before and my mind is racing with images and voices that I can not stop.   The phone rings and it is Rigg, an old Hollywood friend of mine. He is excited about a gentleman that he had meet the day prior. I am not interested in his excitement and start telling him about my dilemma and mental state. He laughs it off and says that it is from all the bad drugs that I used to take. Rigg and I had lived in Laurel Canyon above West Hollywood for years and we shared our abuse of marijuana and alcohol during that time. I had stopped the abuse and he quite alcohol but still used the weed. Rigg continues to persist in telling me about the man that he had been introduced to. He is very impressed with the man and thinks that I should meet him. He says the guy is really “out there” and is involved in some kind of cult organization located in Hollywood. He gave me his name as Eghart, phone number and address on Santa Monica Blvd. I reluctantly note the information on my notepad by the phone and quickly return to my helpless feelings.

I have always believed in destiny and that things fall into place based on an overall divine vision. Rigg’s timing of meeting Eghart coupled with my dilemma looks like they are connected in this universal plan. I locate the address on the internet and find that it is located on Santa Monica Blvd. where it intersects with Genesee Avenue. In fact, it appeared on the internet map that it is located across the street from where Genesee Avenue ends.   This really gets my interest up as I had lived on Genesee Avenue for five years with Eva and Aurora. I decide to drive down to introduce myself to Eghart and find out what he and his organization are about. This unannounced approach will give me the upper hand when I meet Eghart.

My mind is racing with voices asking questions and giving answers. I feel like I am out of control but at the same time completely restricted. At this moment my only hope is to meet Eghart.

As I walk to my car and open the door to an older Mercedes Benz I get a flash or remembrance of a dream that I had had the night before. In the dream I was driving my Mercedes on a highway at night with ex-wife Aurora sitting next to me in the passenger seat. I am driving at a fast speed and realize that I am feeling tired and am falling asleep. My eyes are closed and I cannot see what is in front of me. I start to panic as I can feel that the car is going off to the left of the road and is on the shoulder of the road as it feels bumpier now than the paved highway. I call to Aurora for help to tell me what to do or how to steer the car. She does not answer me and I start feeling even more panicky and call her name out again believing that I am about to collide with some unknown object. Aurora does not answer me and I now understand that Aurora is no longer in the car with me and wake up from my dream.

I drive to Hollywood and approach the address on Santa Monica Boulevard and discover that it is positioned on Santa Monica directly across from the dead end of Genesee Ave. I drove by this building countless times in the past but cannot remember anything about it now. There are no signs or markings on the building to help identify what it is. I decide to drive down Genesee and park in front of my old house about two blocks away. My old residence does not look the same as when I lived in it. The house was built in 1923 and has a strong Spanish flavor with a tile roof and stucco siding. It was once a very proud house but now looks lifeless and without definition. I spend some time sitting in the car contemplating my life with Eva and Aurora when we lived on Genesee. There were good times and a lot of turbulent periods ending in an emotional divorce. I have not resolved all of these old feelings of failure, disappointment, hurt and anger.

I get out of the car and walk down Genesee Avenue toward Santa Monica Boulevard. It is a nice day with some clouds overhead and not to hot for a summer day. I pass by one apartment building where an old friend Debbie lived that I haven’t seen since we moved out. There are so many memories on this street but the old house, trees, plants and neighboring buildings all look very different today. It makes me wonder if the street has changed so much or if I have. I reach Santa Monica Blvd. and look across the street at the building with noted address. The commercial building is one story with a flat roof and has no windows and only one door. I walk up to the door evaluating how I will make my entrance. To my surprise I am on the inside without having to open the door. I do not remember going through the door or for that matter crossing Santa Monica Boulevard and wonder how I got inside, as I was unsure if I should go in at all. The decision has been made for me and I am now standing inside a very large room with an Arabian style tent at the far end. There is no roof on this building as I can view the moving turbulent clouds above. The interior walls have a smooth luster that glows with a soft even light. I can not see any corners to the room but yet it seems to have four distinct sides. There are around twenty or so people in the room all looking nondescript except for one man. He is looking at me and appears to have more clarity and definition than all of the other people. This man looks rather ordinary except for his teeth as they are very irregular and jagged. He is holding a coil of large rope in both hands and looks friendly and open to my intended questions. I ask him if he is Eghart or if he can direct me to him. He does not answer me clearly but leaves me with the impression that he is Eghart. He then welcomes me and asks me what I want. At this point I feel suspicious of his motives and wonder if he has a hidden agenda for me. I ask him to describe what his organization is about. He looks at me with great calm and appears to have extraordinary strength but does not give me an answer. After a few moments of silence another person calls his attention and he quickly responds buy walking away towards the other person.

I look around the room and notice that I am now the only person in the room except for Eghart. The room appears much smaller then before and the tent appears to grow in size and is now very close to me. I notice that Eghart is walking around the side of the tent and what was the coil of rope in his arms is now an octopus with long tentacles. As he walks around the tent he places the head of the octopus on his head like a hat with the tentacles falling over his shoulders and down his back. I do not feel threatened by any of these events with Eghart and the room but do feel unsure of what I should do next. The tent has a small opening that I notice and pull back. I am not sure if I should follow Eghart around the side of the tent or to go directly through the tent opening in front of me.

My decision is to pull the opening in front of me and walk into the tent. As I walk in I see a very large array of animals and reptiles. They are all living and breathing but miniature in size and appear to be standing in rows like a platoon of infantrymen. The first creature that I notice is a snake that was larger than all the other creatures and not part of the platoon or group. The snake moves across the room from my left to my right leaving the room. As I walk further into the tent some of the animals start moving in a very nervous fashion leaving their designated places and running across the tent floor in all directions. One of them is a male lion that runs directly at me and crawls up my pant leg. He is so small that he can fit between my leg and the inner wall of my pants near my right ankle. It is a strange sensation feeling him rubbing against my leg but at the same time very comforting and cozy.

At this point, all of the other animals leave the room with only the miniature lion hugging my right lower leg. There is a fabric wall further back in the large tent structure with a small horizontal opening at the floor allowing me to see some activity on the other side. I could see two pair of feet moving about in this back area. I walked up to the fabric wall, not sure if I should look beyond to the other side. Eghart had not made it clear if I was welcome or if I should be in this tent at all. I decided to pull the fabric wall back and walk through to the other side. There were two women moving about in white robs. These women had very white faces, white hair and white flowing robs. Spots and splashes of blue and yellow colors were evenly placed on the women including their faces and hair. They were silently managing a conveyor of small platforms that other individuals would sit on. Their heads were held down and the women seemed to be moving in an unconscious manor with slow but rehearsed movements. One at a time, each person sits on a small platform and then the platform moves in a downward direction to darkness below the room. I watched a few individuals do this and decided to also get on the platform. It was my turn and I sat on the next platform. I sat down and after a few moments the platform started moving towards the darkness. I pulled my legs into the lotus position that I am so familiar with and closed my eyes. I felt calm and could feel myself moving in a downward direction towards the darkness.